Monday, August 20, 2012

really? really.

so this happened...
it sure looks like a real book, but somehow it still doesn't feel real, and i'm starting to think i will never wrap my brain around the fact that a lifelong dream is coming true.

over the years, i've had the unfortunate opportunity to learn how i handle grief. each time in my life i've heard devastating news, i've let myself feel it for just a moment - maybe a day or two at most - let myself cry until i can't breathe. then a survival switch flips inside me, and i shove any pain into a little compartment in my heart, so i can move forward.

i think that may be how i handle elation as well. my survival switch is keeping my emotions in check, because if i allowed myself to fully feel this moment, my heart might literally explode with joy.

my mom recently sent me a box with hundreds of pages of writing from before i could even spell. in the back of one story, i wrote myself this little bio:

My name is Erin Jade Lang (yes, I misspelled my own last name) and I am eight years old. When I grow up I want to be a writer.

i guess in many ways, i still feel like that 8 year old girl, playing pretend and wishing on a star. but sometimes there's just a split second - a flash of a moment - when i actually take it all in, and it's like that wishing star goes shooting across the sky. in those moments i have to look at myself in the mirror and have this conversation:
Is this happening?
It's happening.
Really?
Really.

3 comments:

Jess said...

I love that your mother sent you those pages :) She must be so proud that you found a way to follow your dreams~ congratulations!

Kristen Kittscher said...

Feeling your joy along with you. Go ahead and throw out that survival switch for now, heart explosion or not:-)

1979semifinalist said...

So pretty! So exciting!

Can't wait to have it in my hands!

Also, Amazon sent me an email that my pre-ordered copy would be coming early. Woohoo!