the idea is to use queries as a small-scale example of why revising is so important. this importance is only magnified when applied to a full-length piece of work!
today, i'm going to show you the different stages my query for BUTTER went through before i actually sent it off to agents.
this is draft 1:
Six summers at fat camp, 423 pounds on the scale and one dangerous defining moment.just like yesterday's query, it's a little long. or at least, i thought it was only a "little" long. when i posted the first draft on Absolute Write for feedback, i learned it was a LOT long.
A boy everyone calls “Butter” is about to make Scottsdale High history. He’s going to eat himself to death live on the internet – and everyone is going to watch!
My 51,000-word young adult novel “Butter” explores what happens when you get so big people can’t see around you and start looking right through you. It’s about just how far some teenagers will go to get noticed, to feel in control, to be somebody.
Butter is fed up with a dad who won’t talk to him, a girl who won’t look at him and a whole school full of kids who don’t even know his real name. If it weren’t for mom’s waffles and his saxophone, he wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.
When the syrup comes off the waffles and the obesity makes it hard to play the sax, Butter decides to stop waking up altogether.
He announces his deadly plan to an army of peers and expects pity, insults or even indifference. Instead, he finds morbid encouragement.
When that encouragement tips the scales into popularity, Butter has a reason to live.
But if he doesn’t go through with his plan, he’ll lose everything.
As a journalist, I write facts all day, every day. This is my first work of fiction.
I would love to send a partial or full manuscript of “Butter” for your consideration.
the good folks at AW also let me know they'd rather see a character introduced in the opening line.
so i revised and came back with this second draft:
A boy everyone calls “Butter” is about to make Scottsdale High history. He’s going to eat himself to death live on the Internet – and everyone is going to watch.
Butter is fed up with a dad who won’t talk to him, a girl who won’t look at him and a school full of kids who don’t even know his real name. If it weren’t for mom’s waffles and his saxophone, he wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.
But mom starts taking the syrup off the waffles and obesity makes it increasingly harder for him to play the sax, so Butter decides to stop waking up altogether.
He announces his deadly plan to an army of peers and expects pity, insults or even indifference. Instead, he finds morbid encouragement.
When that encouragement tips the scales into popularity, Butter has a reason to live.
But if he doesn’t go through with his plan, he’ll lose everything.
My young adult novel BUTTER is 51,000 words about a 423-pound boy, six summers at fat camp and one dangerous defining moment. It explores what happens when Butter gets so big people can’t see around him and start looking right through him.
As a journalist, I write facts all day, every day. This is my first work of fiction.
I would love to send a partial or full manuscript of BUTTER for your consideration.
still too long, and you can see i merely moved my first line down, instead of deleting it. i think this is happens a lot with first revisions on novels too. writers can have a hard time letting go of the words they've created. they're not ready for the delete button.
so i was encouraged to "murder my darlings" (delete my favorite bits) and reminded that if the book sells, i can use those favorite lines later for promotion, etc...
so i offered this third draft:
A boy everyone calls “Butter” is about to make Scottsdale High history. He’s going to eat himself to death live on the Internet – and everyone will watch.you can see it's finally getting shorter!
Butter is fed up with a dad who won’t talk to him, a girl who won’t look at him and a school full of kids who don’t even know his real name. If it weren’t for mom’s waffles and his saxophone, he wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.
He announces his deadly plan to an army of peers and expects pity, insults or even indifference. Instead, he finds morbid encouragement.
When that encouragement tips the scales into popularity, Butter has a reason to live.
But if he doesn’t go through with his plan, he’ll lose everything.
My young adult novel BUTTER is 51,000 words about a 423-pound boy and one dangerous defining moment.
As a journalist, I write facts all day, every day. This is my first work of fiction.
I would love to send a partial or full manuscript of BUTTER for your consideration.
this time, the squirrels (as the query critters are affectionately called on AW) told me i had too many details that weren't essential to the nut of the story. -get it? nut? squirrels?- anyway... they suggested a few more cuts, and now that i'd exercised my "delete" finger, it wasn't hard to keep chopping.
so i ended up with this final draft:
A boy everyone calls “Butter” is about to make Scottsdale High history. He’s going to eat himself to death live on the Internet – and everyone will watch.
He announces his deadly plan to an army of peers and expects pity, insults or even indifference. Instead, he finds morbid encouragement. When that encouragement tips the scales into popularity, Butter has a reason to live. But if he doesn’t go through with his plan, he’ll lose everything.
My young adult novel BUTTER is 51,000 words about a 423-pound boy and one dangerous defining moment.
As a journalist, I write facts all day, every day. This is my first work of fiction.
I would love to send a partial or full manuscript of BUTTER for your consideration.
and that is the letter that got four manuscript requests from my first round of agent queries.
for all i know, that request rate would have been zero without revisions.
so whenever i get frustrated with book revisions, i look back on the evolution of my queries to remind myself that revising - while hard work - always pays off.
