okay, i'm going to tell you a secret.
or i'm going to make a confession.
or maybe it's both.
writing is harder after you sell a book.
not for everyone, i'm sure. and not forever, i hope.
but for me, it's been a difficult year for writing.
when i wrote BUTTER, i had no idea obesity and suicide were risky topics. no one had told me yet that "boy books don't sell." i didn't know my grammar wasn't perfect (truly, i thought it was. silly, silly me.) and i was still clueless about the "rules" in general.
i just wanted to tell a story. and it all worked out.
when i wrote BILLY D & THE BULLY, i knew a few more rules, but i had just sold BUTTER, and i wasn't yet fully initiated. i didn't know anyone would call what i was writing "disabilities YA," because i had never even heard of such a thing. i certainly didn't know that i had a year of revisions ahead of me, because i didn't know what i was doing wrong in that first draft. again, it all worked out anyway.
but by the time those revisions were done, i was in a different place as a writer. somewhere along the path to publishing, i had stopped thinking of writing as a hobby and started thinking of it as a job. suddenly, i couldn't just explore any old idea that delighted me. first i had to make sure the idea hadn't been done. then i had to rewrite every paragraph 40 times to make sure it was as polished as my other books are in their final drafts. then i had to outline the story to assure myself i had a direction and wasn't wasting my time, y'know... just having fun. because who has time for fun when you're writing for work?
the joy is still there. i still love love love writing. but the joy got a little buried under something else... pressure.
i was chatting with some of my fellow 2012 debut authors tonight, and i asked them if they found it harder to write now. i was comforted by a chorus of "yes!" followed by that word... pressure. i think a lot of new authors must feel that - a sense that everything you write has to have the potential to be published.
for me, it was paralyzing. i took weeks off writing. then, after a few false starts on new projects, the weeks turned into months, until finally i'd forgotten how i ever made time for this at all.
i'm getting my feet wet again - revisiting some of the ideas and pages i abandoned this past year out of fear - and i'm rediscovering the joy.
but i wanted to share the struggle here in case anyone else can relate. and i also wanted to share this much that i've figured out:
the only one putting that pressure on me was ME. and the only person i need to please when i'm writing is ME... because i'm writing for the joy of it.
4 comments:
"i think a lot of new authors must feel that - a sense that everything you write has to have the potential to be published.
for me, it was paralyzing. i took weeks off writing. then, after a few false starts on new projects, the weeks turned into months, until finally i'd forgotten how i ever made time for this at all."
This. Exactly. It has taken me more than a year to realize I just need to first draft, and to get past the road blocks and let the story happen. Getting back into regular crit group rotation, subbing for every meeting, has helped. It has helped writing feel normal again, and experimental. I'm starting to remember what it felt like to write that first book. :)
Hope you keep rediscovering the joy of it, in between the moments of doubt and pressure. :)
i really loved this post.
all of it.
i starred it on my google reader :)
good luck with your writing and i hope you enjoy it again, pressure-free!
Emily, I think those first baby steps back in are the hardest. Glad you're finding your groove again!
Naomi, I'm glad you liked it as I was a little scared to write it! :D
Personally, I think it's spectacular when a dreamer gets a book published in the first place. Kudos to you for having that dream come true to begin with! Too often people forget that even dreams come with a price. I daresay that anyone who has achieved that place many seek have found that life, regardless of what you are or what you do, is still ours and still comes with stressors and anxieties; even if those come from within.
I'm glad you have found your joy in writing again - as having joy in our lives is the key to true fulfillment and happiness!
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